"MILKING & BEATING A DEAD HORSE/COW HYBRID"
"My name is Homer J. Simpson. I like to eat and drink a lot. I'm also bald and fat."
"Homer, I, your gorgeous wife Marge, fantasize about you when I stroke my pussycat even though you are morbidly obese and never clean the smegma out of your foreskin. Regardless, I am putting you on a diet."
"I will start on this diet you speak of. But first I must watch the comedic stylings of the crusty clown."
"No. I command you to go for a walk in the park."
"What a walk I am going on! I can feel the poundage departing as I speak!"
"I, Jason Voorhees, who haunts this park, will kill you now."
"I have killed you!"
"You have killed me!"
"Homer has not returned from his walk! Jason Voorhees must have killed him! I must contact the police so that I may have my revenge!"
*PHONES THE POLICE*
"Police Chief Clancy Wiggum, go to the park and shoot Jason Voorhees. I must have my revenge!"
"I am sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but I fell down reaching for my box of donuts and can't get up. You must seek help elsewhere."
"Very well. I shall."
*HANGS UP & PHONES SOMEONE ELSE*
"Mr. Charles Montgomery Burns?"
"I am Mr. Burns!"
"Mr. Burns, Jason Voorhees killed my husband, Homer."
"This name is unknown to me!"
"Homer Simpson, sir, the gastronomic leech who ostensibly operates out of Sector 7G of the nuclear power plant which you, yourself, own. He has been a source of bemusement for uncounted seasons."
"Ah, yes, Waylon Smithers! I now recall this Simpson fellow!"
"Mr. Burns, sir, the police refuse to get involved. You must act in their stead."
"Very well. I know someone who can destroy Jason Voorhees. But first you must do me a favour."
"What is the favour you ask?"
"Various acts of penetrative and non-penetrative sex!"
"No, I am too wholesome for that. You may have sex with my two sisters instead."
"Are they comely?"
"Only from behind, with a pair of paper bags over their heads, in the dark."
"Though I am richer than God and can pay for the most beautiful whores in the universe, I agree to copulate with your hideous sisters! Jason will meet with swift retribution before the week is out!"
*SOMEONE KNOCKS ON FRONT DOOR*
*OPENS THE DOOR*
"Mrs. Simpson, I am Prof. Charles Xavier, leader of the X-Men. I am here to aid you in your vengeance against Jason Voorhees."
"I am sending my newest X-Man, Phenomena, to the park where Jason Voorhees is. She will defeat him."
"What are her powers?"
"She talks to bugs."
"A most potent ability!"
"I, Phenomena, in reality Jennifer Connel -- AHEM! -- Corvino, have been sent to the park to do battle with Jason Voorhees!"
"You will succumb to my chainsaw in a violent, grisly, fatal manner!"
"You will not kill me, Jason Voorhees! I possess a power -- the most powerful power of all! The power to control insects!"
"Bah! I kill crush your insects like insects beneath my feet!"
"Ah, but you forget -- even the most powerful insect in conventional existence bends to my every whim."
"Name this vaunted insect, child, if you can!"
"Betelgeuse! Betelgeuse! Betelgeuse!"
"I am undone!"
""Betelgeuse has emerged victorious! Jason Voorhees is dead!"
"I am dead!"
*SOMEONE KNOCKS ON FRONT DOOR*
"Jason Voorhees is defeated."
"My Homer is avenged!"
"I am Bart, man, Homer & Marge's sociopathic son. Me and my boyfriend Milhouse --"
"-- are performing a séance! We will summon Homer's spirit up from the netherworld!"
"I am the ghost of Homer Simpson, your father!"
"Son, you must help me! I am in Hell!"
"Not radical! My punishment for a lifetime of sin is to be sodomized by the tormented soul of Frank Grimes for all eternity! I need you to come down here and get me out before I'm forced to admit I secretly like it!"
"Ah, Simpson, there you are! Be nice and come here right now and I'll use the lube gun before violating your rear orifice."
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR EP. FU666 2.0: "BART & HOMER VS. FRANK GRIMES IN SODOMITE HELL!"